Like all animals, we have an instinct for self-preservation. For some of us, it extends to our loved ones. The beauty of being human is we are capable of overriding our programming and making different decisions. The problem is we frequently don’t want to. The types of decisions that make a difference are not easy. The right thing usually has a very unpleasant opportunity cost. Sometimes, it isn’t so much that the cost is so high in absolute terms. Sometimes, the price to be paid is in pride. I am often surprised by how willing we are to allow our children to suffer so our pride may remain intact or grow.
The single parent household, the household with a deceased parent, the household in economic crisis, and the household in poverty all have legitimate issues that require both parents to work outside the home. I am not talking about them.
For most of human history, we have had little to no control over reproduction other than celibacy. For a significant amount of human history we didn’t know that celibacy was an effective form of birth control. That was the past. Western Europe and Great Britain were using the cervical cap in the 1830’s. The cervical cap was popular in the United States in by 1930. In 1960, the oral contraceptives were approved by the Food and Drug Administration for use as birth control. Accidents happen, other than celibacy no method is 100%. I can’t deny the heat of the moment as a compelling force. Who has more opportunity than the rich to have control over their reproductive lives? What does it say about the ultra-rich and the idle-rich parents all over the world whose hallmark of childcare is nannies and boarding school?
Human beings give birth to infants that are vulnerable longer than any infant of the animal kingdom. For years, studies have told us that all infants, children and people in general perform better when they are touched, valued and have a feeling of security. This is my prejudice as a mother. I cannot imagine what would make a parent, who chose to be a parent, not want to be there for every single one of those milestone moments. I cannot conceive of what makes a parent, who chose to be a parent, not want keep their baby close to them.
My son was an attractive and especially social baby. I was constantly barraged with babysitting offers that I would decline. People frequently told me that because I was a new mother I wanted to stay close to him but I would get over that. I never did but maybe that’s just me. What does it say to a child when his parents leave the job of dispensing intimacy and comfort to the hired help?
For arguments sake, let’s say the rich have special circumstances that are just beyond my ability to comprehend. Let’s move on to the families with young children, 2 working parents, and new luxury cars in the garage. Studies indicate that some middle class families move into pricey neighborhoods because they cannot afford to send their children to private school and they want to ensure that the public school will provide a decent education. They end up with a mortgage that requires both of them to work. Okay, I get that. You have a child or children that have special needs. I get that too.
Where I get lost is the parent that thinks a Mercedes or Lexus is worth time away from your family. I also admit that I will never be mistaken by anyone as a slave to fashion. This may be the reason that I think it is better to be dressed in 5 years ago’s fashions and driving a car that is even older is by far preferable to strangers raising my baby. As a point of information, my baby agrees. When he first became school age, I worked outside our home. I cannot count the times that he begged me to stay home. I work from home now and he is happy. He asked for a sibling too but I can’t afford one so he didn’t get one. You see, I wanted another child but I knew I did not have the resources to appropriately care for another child. So, I didn’t have another child.
Excluding teenager parents because they are children themselves and have not developed enough to really know better. A parents responsibility begins well before the birth of a child. It begins at making the decision to not have a child if you are not willing to provide not only physical sustenance or emotional nurturing for the child. The decision to forgo a more afluent lifestyle for satisfied children may not be an easy one. Is there really any question that it is the right decision?
I went to a seminar from one of the older and more infamous pyramid schemes. A couple that was purported to have earned millions “working the plan” was talking about how they did it. They talked about how they were poor. They were so poor that they had trouble feeding themselves and their children. They took their last money and invested in materials to “work the plan.” The father worked the plan every night for years. Often, they would leave the kids at home and both parents would “work the plan.”
These people by their own admission spent very little time with their children for years. They missed birthday parties and school functions because they were “working the plan.” These parents then told a room full of people that it would be hard for them to leave their children and their children would complain but missed birthdays would be forgotten when they could afford a month at Disneyland. I submit to you that there is nothing that makes a child forget a missed birthday. While this particular pyramid scheme has been exposed for telling many an untruth, this was by far the most loathsome.
I wonder how many parents tell themselves that they work for their children’s sake when they work for their own edification? There is nothing wrong with working for your own edification, for a more luxurious lifestyle, for esteem among your peers. There is something terribly wrong with sacrificing the best possible emotional support for your children for a flawless manicure and an Armani suit. Here, I have to challenge my own premise. To me, the right choice here is quite easy to make. I acknowledge, for many parents, it isn’t.
I often wonder if there was a parent at home for any of the children that ended up on the news because they shot up a school? Many mothers will say that they look forward to going back to work because they can’t spend another moment at home with their children, without adult companionship, without the challenge that a job offers. If you are a person who needs those things to the exclusion of providing the best possible care for your children; give some consideration to the notion that kids aren’t for you. There is no question that we have children for selfish reasons. If we make the right choices, that is the last selfish choice we make as parents. It is not easy to make the choice not to procreate when our physiology exist solely for that purpose.
